THE FORCE IS STRONG WITH THIS ONE…

"It's a solution to all that crap!"

Make no mistake, at times whilst reading some of Cllr Taylor’s letters to the Editor; my mood is often reduced to a state that forces me to reach for the Prozac in quantities that perhaps risk incurring long-term harmful-effects, but at other times, his schoolboy style of written meanderings, feels like a veritable tonic.

 

This week’s letter in the Reporter, conjured up such a comical melee of events, that it could easily feature as the future plot of an Alan Ayckbourn farce.

As if starring in ‘Thoughts of a Regular Litter Picker’ our hero; on narrowly avoiding stepping in dog poo, was minded to recant his recent research into an American designed piece of equipment, that turns ‘dog poo’ into energy, via a methane digester.

Evoking memories of Christopher Lloyd; the crazy Dr Emmett Brown character in ‘Back to the Future, the erstwhile litter picking councillor tells us that in some American Parks they collect so much ‘dog poo’ that all the public lights are powered by burning off the captured methane gas.

On making my own scientific inquiry into the uses of dog poo, I too found reference to that very same park in Massachusetts, where the authorities have indeed replaced their trash cans with a public methane digester, which turn waste into fuel.

In all honesty, the American methane digester is simplicity itself and if Tameside council were to adopt this system, it could not only spell the end of our unemployment situation for countless numbers of unqualified youths, but simultaneously, it would finally place the career councillor in a worthwhile job, in which, with years of ‘litter-picking know how’ under his belt, would find himself eminently qualified.

How does it work, I hear you ask. (Enthusiastically)

Cllr Taylor, going through the motions

Well, firstly, after picking up their dog’s faeces, using specially sourced biodegradable plastic bags; pet owners simply feed the waste into the underground methane digester through an above-the-ground tube, where an appropriately trained council apprentice would stir it with a hand crank. 

This blending of the dog faeces, together with the anaerobic bacteria, is the point where the motions get broken down, and to which in turn a chemical reaction encourages the methane, created by the mixture, to rise to the top where the flammable gas is piped through the ground, to the street lamps, which then burn with an eternal flame.

By the way, Quidditch Season begins in October, so the council have plenty of time to consult on Cllr Taylor’s scientific breakthrough and with the excess of space being created in the empty shops which are now prevalent in our town centres, early stockpiling of the ‘raw material’ can begin.