In this month’s announcement from our Kieran,(http://www.tameside.gov.uk/blog/leader/) the leader spoke
better than he knew, when he announced, “The Council will use every tool
available…” because it seems to me that that has been the council’s problem for
many years!
In launching his ‘Vision-Tameside’ (which in my opinion, ‘visions’
should generally remain in the realm of crazed mystics) which involves remodeling Ashton's market square thus pushing all Tameside residents into the
council’s ‘Procrustean Bed’ he announced yet another hastily borrowed slogan, namely ‘Shop
Local, Eat Local, Buy Local’ and illustrated his musings with a pile of pork
sausages!
Now this could have gone better, because according
to Health Experts, the amount and type of food you eat has a major influence on
your health. If you eat a well-balanced diet, it can reduce your risk of various
diseases as well as help you to maintain a healthy weight.
In fact, even on the council’s own website it tells us that
a nutritious balanced diet is central to establishing the foundations for
improved standards of health and well being throughout society, and warns that
people who eat an unhealthy diet high in saturated fat, salt and sugar have a
higher risk of obesity and type 2 diabetes; and in later life, becoming obese.
While sausage does have a good amount of protein in it, it
is also a processed meat, so it is absolutely loaded with sodium and various
chemicals (nitrites, etc.). On average, each 50g serving of processed meat per
day - the equivalent of a sausage - was associated with a 42% higher chance of
developing coronary heart disease and a 19% higher risk of diabetes.
So a better illustration might have been a mouth-watering
display of fresh locally grown products. (Memories of Ashton Moss spring to mind!)
So, as if flogging sausages was not enough for the misguided marketing man he followed on from
the councils last disastrously expensive ‘vision’ (That's where the council were persuaded to set up an
office in Second Life, the virtual world that was meant to revolutionise their
services, by allowing people to 'walk' in to the building and
obtain advice about local services without leaving their home!); with yet another 'image of prophetic significance, which makes one wonder whether those self-same ‘persuaders' have been allowed back into the hallowed hall again?
Continuing in a style reminiscent
of the Danish folk tale ‘The Emperor’s
new clothes’ Kieran Quinn, our present council Leader went on to tell us, “One of the
many distinctive things Tameside has to offer is the broad array of independent
shops, cafes, restaurants and wonderful
markets!”
Now I don't know to which Tameside's town his fantasy refers, however, I feel that his story should of gone something like this…
...Once upon a time there was a Council Leader who loved outdoor
markets! He loved markets more than anything else! So, every year on the occasion
of his speech to the people, he would ask for lots of ideas on how to modernise
his borough's markets.
The Council Leader loved markets so much that he used to have one in every town! Ashton, (the biggest) Stalybridge, Hyde, Mossley, Droylsden
and Denton. And he loved them so much that he would send out various
members of his inner circle, wearing litter-pickers outfits, to visit them
several times a week, where photographs would be taken to hand to the local
press
Several years past and despite his councils many attempts at moderisation, he found his markets declining, so much so that he was left with only a handful of outdoor markets in the entire borough.
Then, one fine summers day, it was rumored that two strangers had been allowed to address the inner circle at the Town Hall.
“We can make your markets into the most beautiful outdoor markets
in the country; so much so that everyone will want markets like yours” they
said, bowing low to the Leader.
“Ah, this is what I've always wished for” thought the Leader.
“To be able to offer the most beautiful outdoor markets in the country.”
“You shall make me these beautiful outdoor markets,” ordered
the Leader and ordered the Borough Treasurer to ‘up the council tax’ and give
the strangers a couple of £million to get on with drawing up the plans, firstly, as an experiment, for Hyde’s market !
For weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks the strangers worked
on plans for the markets and wouldn't let anybody see what they were doing.
But the Leader and his Cabinet grew impatient; they wanted
to see an example of the towns’ new markets now! So one day he demanded to see
them! When the strangers showed them to him the Leader looked all around the
room.
Firstly, to his market adviser, John Taylor… and then at the
rest of the crew, who all stood around nodding and smiling!
“Where are the new markets I have paid you £millions you to
make,” demanded the Leader!
“But they are right here, councillor,” said the first
stranger, pointing to a few lines on a plain white sheet of parchment. “This is
the new Hyde market. What do you think? Aren’t the stalls constructed with the
most delightful material, the most sparkling colours, and the most fashionable
designs?”
The Leader looked around confused; he couldn't see anything,
but thousands of plain paving slabs!
“I can’t see any market at all,” the Leader said.
Addressing the room, the strangers said. “These outdoor
markets are so special and rare that only the cleverest people can see them.
They are too fine to be seen by the stupid and the ignorant; that is the magic
of these amazing new markets!”
“Oh of course, of course” said the Leader to his nodding crew
(not wanting to appear stupid or ignorant). “These new market designs are
beautiful; this is just what I've always wanted! I’m sure my new outdoor
markets will be greatly admired by all of my people. – Get on and demolish the old
ones immediately and build the new ones starting with Ashton!”
“Well,” said the strangers “As you can see the final plans are
not quite finished yet. But if you could pay us a few more £millions, we’re
sure we could have them ready in time for the big parade.”
The Leader, knowing of the huge surpluses his administration
had amassed over the last 35 years, promised to pay the strangers anything they
wanted if they would have the new market square in Ashton ready for the big
opening parade. He wanted everybody in Tameside to see it!
So, the Borough Treasurer stumped up another £4.5million to
get the ball rolling!
The day of the big parade came and the two strangers
presented the Leader with his new outdoor market.
“Everyone will admire you, my lord councillor. The new
market looks most wonderful,” said the strangers.
By this time the ‘news’ had been put out in carefully worded
press releases and carried continuously by the local papers and social media,
that the new market was so special that it could only be seen by clever people
and, not wanting to appear stupid or ignorant, all the councillors and the
civil servants from the Town Hall said…
“How beautiful! What colours! What style! Your new
market plans are magnificent, Dear Leader!"
“Oh dear,” thought the Leader. “All my Cabinet colleagues, including Taylor, can see the benefits of my new market, but I can’t. Does this mean I’m stupid
and ignorant and not fit to be the Council Leader? I will have to pretend I can
see it so that nobody thinks I’m stupid. No-one can know the truth!”
When it was time for the big parade the Leader said “Follow
me” to his friends on the council, and marched out of Town Hall and onto the
streets.
Crowds of people lined the road and watched the Leader and
the big parade. There was the ‘Black Knight’ on horseback, huge floats with
steel drums and smartly dressed children parading along the street all heading
for the star attraction; the Leaders new market!
The crowds, predominately made up of Labour activists and thousands of social housing tenants who had been lobbied mercilessly on their doorsteps by members of Deputy Taylor’s
posse, had had it drummed into them in leaflet form that only clever people could see the
Leader’s new market, and so, not wanting to appear stupid or ignorant, they all complied by shouting in UNISON:
“What a lovely market!” “Doesn't it look smart?” “What a lovely market!” “Doesn't it look smart?”
The Leader was very pleased that everyone was admiring his
new outdoor market , even if he couldn't see it himself!
Suddenly, a little lone voice from the crowd shouted out…
“Hang on! What bloody market, …There’s only a few stalls
here! …Where are the people? …What’s happened to the fresh food from locally
grown sources? …There’s now’t but second-hand books, dubious mobile phone replacement
parts, smoking requisites, the ubiquitous printed tee-shirts,Grey scallyjoggers and fifteen
stalls selling bloody anoraks. …It’s crap!”
A hushed silence fell over the crowd and the big parade
stopped… Then… Everyone suddenly burst out shouting!
“Eh, the lad’s right,” they said. “The Leaders new market is
crap!”
The Leader blushed and went red. They were right… He hadn't created a new market at all!”
“Quick,” he shouted to his Deputy, John Taylor, who was
unsuccessfully hiding his latest Che Guevara tee-shirt under his Day-Glo litter
picking garb. “I must return to my office and put a stop to the plans I've passed to build a New Town Hall! - I should never have trusted those strangers
who only wanted to flatter me and take our taxpayers’ money!”
From that day on, the Leader gave local bloggers an
important job in his administration because they were the only people who had
told the truth. And, to this day, whenever the council leader needs advice he will always ask the local bloggers first. Because they know the wishes and needs of the townsfolk better than any of his sycophantic crew.
Yeah, right!
